i think my mom watched the whole time
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
