Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
