Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Randomize
