I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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