I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
