I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
