genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
