I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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