I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
