Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
