Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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