Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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