So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
