found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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