How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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