The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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