people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
