I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
