I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
