every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
