dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
