my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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