Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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