it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
