the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
