Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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