Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
