I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
