I wish I could teleport
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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