Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
