My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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