I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
