Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
