my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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