he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
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