Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
