I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
