At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Non-Jews are for practice
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
