Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
