I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
