I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
