Moan for me like Helen Keller
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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