Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
love makes seman taste better
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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