Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
