Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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