are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
...so i touched it.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
why do cheetos always look like penises
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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