You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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