Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
