They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
