yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
