I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
